Well, I’m losing weight. And it’s snowing. And it’s SO weird not being pregnant, especially since Sam will be 1 in a few days, and I know I won’t be having another for a while. And my thoughts are scattered, as I try to figure out how I can feel a sense of worth again.
This happens every year. It gets gold, and I hurt more. Add in the emptiness of not having a baby inside of me for only the third Christmas since I lost my virginity, the financial troubles, the fact that I’m not currently taking classes, and the kids’ ongoing issues as a result of their past abuse, and I am depressed.
It feels like there’s nothing I can do that makes a difference. I can’t get a job, cos the kids need me at home. I can’t enjoy mommying, cos I hurt too bad. I can’t enjoy my wonderful man, cos I’m dealing with another round of abuse issues myself. And there really isn’t anyone I can think of to talk to about any of it, cos most everyone either will get their feelings hurt or is simply too busy to care.
But I should be happy. I am losing weight. I’m down a few pounds and even more inches since I started this whole blogging endeavor. My kids are beautiful. Eli’s doing better behaviorally. Zeke’s reading and doing amazingly in math. Isaiah is, well, pretty much perfect. Vicki is the most beautiful little girl that God ever made. And Sam is walking and learning new things every day. Not to mention that I know I’m safe, and my beloved Alex is doing everything he can to make things good for us.
Ebenezer! Thus far, the Lord has helped us. This should be a a good reminder for me not to be so down, right? I know this, too, will pass. I know that He is here with me. I know that my life has meaning just because He lives. Hopefully soon my emotions and my head will decide to work together.